Mohammed and Medina (...and, water bottles)

A HUGE H/T to Freedom Loving Infidel: http://freedomlovinginfidel.blogspot.ca

(Re-printed with Permission) 

Flight from Mecca to Medina

A famous event in Islamic history (al-Hijrah) which may not have gone entirely according to plan.

(Monologue - To be spoken in a broad Lancashire accent)

It was on the sand dunes of Mecca ~ The year Six Twenty-Two

Muhammad was sitting in his tent  And wondering what the heck he should do.

"Medina post-circa after the Caravan Bandit moved in"

He’d had a hard thirteen years preaching  Some days he didn’t want to get out of bed

‘Cos the townspeople they just laughed at him  And threw stones at back of his head.

They nicked his lunch when his back was turned . 

And filled his water bottle up wi’ sand.

And fed his camel with loads of Ex-Lax til it were hardly able to stand.

Now Muhammad were right pigged off wi’ all this / And in t’ middle of t’ night.

He decided to call all his men round ~ And have a parley at first light.

But his men were nowhere to be seen.  They’d decamped by the light of t’ moon

And gone to Mecca to check out t’ bingo ~ and sup jars of ale in t’ saloon.

As Muhammad watched, on the horizon, the sun were coming up in t’ morn

Back came his men, straggling in ones and twos,  their clothes all tattered and torn.

We’ve just come back from t’ bingo, said Abdul, and we’ve had a reet terrible neet.

Them Jews cheated us at snooker and nicked all our sandals.  And we’ve had to come back in bare feet.

And t’ bingo caller couldn’t call numbers properly cos he had frog in t’ throat and were feeling bad.

So Rashid here cut off his head with a scimitar... And that’s when t’ townspeople got mad.

They chased us out of Mecca bingo hall, and reet up to the top of High Street

We had to hide round back of t’ fish ‘n’ chip shop, else happen we’d all be dead meat.

Muhammad said – Look lads, we all need a holiday!  I’ve been putting some money aside

Medina’s quite nice, and they’ve got loads of fit women! Come on, saddle up and let’s ride.

But suddenly he had a revelation / And Angel Gabriel he did appear

Saying - Nay lad, Allah says get thee to Blackpool / It’s quite nice at this time of year

So Muhammad said - Reet, Lads, change of plan.

 As you know, our Allah Knows Best

So we’re headed for Blackpool, the Tower and the donkey rides. The Funfair and all of t’ rest.

So off they all set for Blackpool. And t’ were not long before they were in t’ fix.

"Wish We Had Our Allies Back Then"

A hundred and fifty of them, on camels. Stuck in the slow lane of t’ M6.

They called in for breakfast at Charnock Richard. And Muhammad said – well, Bugger Me

It’s ten quid Lads, for a plate of egg and chips! And another five quid for us tea!

But onwards they went towards Blackpool through rain, snow and slush without fear

Till they came to a doormat in snow that said “BOG OFF”  And Muhammad said - Ay up lads, we’re here.

But there were a note stuck on t’ gates of Blackpool, which Muhammad read with a groan

It said - We heard as how you was coming / So we buggered off, there’s no one at home

At that Muhammad got proper blazing! But Blackpool were blazing also

For someone had left t’ chip pan on gas ring. And Blackpool were all aglow

Rashid suggested they go up the Tower.

 As that were not yet aflame

But Muhammad said he had no head for heights. But thanks very much all the same

So they trudged along beach for a while in t’ smoke.  And paddled in t’ water sayin’ In’t it cold for time of year?

And had a free ride on the donkeys...  And stole all t’ sticks of rock from t’ shop on t’ pier.

Feeling brave, Rashid went on t’ Big Dipper at funfair.  But he had a weak stomach and felt sick

Then he chucked it all over Muhammad who said , "That’s my last clean change of clothes you ..... idiot!"

By then Blackpool had burnt down to ashes, so Muhammad said – "Time to retreat!"

And by then they was all freezing their nuts off anyway, and no-one had got owt to eat.

The camels were complaining like buggery, ‘cos they were weary, smelly and old.

And they were askin’ for blankets and time and a half and boots for working in t’ cold!

Retreating were worst part of business. They got lost on way out of Blackpool wi’ out map.

And the camels had got fed up and run off with donkeys. And Abdul said – Bugger this Muhammad, it’s crap.

Over the Pennines they went in t’ snow... Dischuffed to their knickers they were,

till they got to Great Yarmouth and nicked an old fishing boat. And set sail for Arabia.

They eventually got back to Medina.  And all they had left between ‘em were five bob

And Muhammad said - "Next time I see that Angel Gabriel / I’ll smash him right in t’ gob!"

"Telling us to go all the way t’ Blackpool, when Medina is much nicer by far

And it were only three days from Mecca / Or two if we’d travelled by car!"

But you know what they say lads, when all’s said and done ~ we all know that Allah knows best.

He some how knew we needed that holiday in Blackpool / But next year we’ll give it a rest.

TRANSLATION! (For you kind Readers not familiar with the Queen's English Colloquialisms)

Sup=drink

Reet=right 

 Neet=night

Frog in t' throat=Heayy, thick cough rendering the person in question unable to speak

Scimitar=Large curved sword of Arab origin

Fish 'n' chip shop=Popular retail outlet for selling fish dipped in batter with fried potatoes

Else happen=otherwise

Fit women=attractive young ladies

Get thee to=go to

Blackpool=famous popular seaside resort in the North-West of England

In t' fix=in trouble

M6=well-known motorway running from the Midlands to the North of England

Charnock Richard=a well known motorway service area

Well Bugger Me=Oh dear

Ten quid=approximately sixteen US dollars

   Five quid=approximately eight US dollars

Egg and chips=popular English meal of fried egg and fried potato chips.

"BOG OFF"=go away

Ay up=expression of surprise or anticipation

Note - the words "were" and "was" are used interchangeably

Buggered off=gone away

To get proper blazing=to get angry

Chip pan=pan of oil used to fry chips

   Gas ring=popular met

hod of heating on kitchen stove using methane gas

Int it=isn't it

Big Dipper=popular fairground ride

Chucked it=vomited copiously

Freezing their nuts off=were feeling the cold acutely

Not got owt to eat=had nothing to eat

Complaining like buggery=complaining vigorously

Time and a half=method of remuneration worth 50% more than standard rate

It's Crap=this is not a very good idea

Bugger this=this is not a very good idea

Dischuffed to their knickers they were=they were completely fed up

Five bob=five shillings or one quarter of an old British Pound Sterling

Smash him right in t' gob-punch him hard in the mouth

 Copyright @catstrangler101 (Follow The Cat) October 2013

https://twitter.com/catstrangler101